You’re right-
I don’t know you.
Don’t know what makes you bend-
Makes you move.
I don’t know,
Only have the pieces
You’ve let me see.

Silly, to be ready to give it all
To you.
To a stranger with ideals
A stranger with theories

I could love you
But the road
Has disappeared
And I’m no longer lying.
No longer laying in your bed.
I’ve become bored
And have wandered off
I doubt you’ll have noticed by now.

One sentence
And you catch me-
Come crawling up against the body
And I wonder.
Could I possibly
Hold this hand
And not thirst for the blood-
Could I taste this kiss
Without that whiplash of longing
For another.
The snake like flesh-
Once eaten is hard to be rid of.
And I find myself
Clinging
To what I know best-
Catching and turning
Over in bed.

I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to lie to you
I haven’t always been
This angel with wings
This pillar of strength and discipline
I have fallen
And only stood up to get a better view.

Now that I’m no longer perfect
In your eyes-
Which steps of myne
Would you like to see erased-
Would you rather I took back?
I laugh.
You say you want it all-
Nothing held- no closed doors
And yet as soon as the blood pours
You start vomiting your self-righteousness
All over the carpet.
You cling to your mortality
And it’s pathetic.

Your eyes staring at me
Like I’m the freak
That decided to be human
And live with my past-
With my mistakes held like scars
Upon my forearms.
Yah, I’ve been there.
Get over it.
At least I made the choice to be real.
To feel my demons
And even let them control me.
Yes that was a knife
And that is an empty pill bottle.
I could care less.
It didn’t work. I’m still h ere
And at this moment
I find you staring at me.
Honestly, I thought your soul was stronger than that-
Than coffee in the morning
That doesn’t quite wake you up.

There’s a battle
I’ve been fighting
Against myself
With periodic interruptions
From that soul mate of myne.
He never seems to stay for very long
And every other visit
He appears different.
Once even showing up in heels.

I can rearrange myself now
For you or him
Or the future.

But it all is rather pathetic.
Predictable
How I jump in and fall in love
And every next corner
Is always covered in sin.

So how do I escape these chains?
When I know
That I don’t know me
Without them.

Suicide? Or a choice to be born again?
Both the same
Depends on where you’ve been born
And which lies you’ve been fed with.

There’s been enough lies
Told by my lips
And even more
By various regions of my body.
I don’t think
You want to know them all.
And I doubt
There’s enough time
To build you back.

Years later, I just don’t have the energy
There’s not enough incentive
And I don’t imagine
You’ll give me the rush
That I need to live on.

Not that the newness
Is an addiction
But you’d think
In the beginning
There’d be some surprises
Maybe a lil excitement
And the urge to want more.

You.
I’ve had one day
And I’m already full up.

You can look at me.

Figure out laughter
And love

And even come close
To knowing me

But you’ll get lazy
And stop
Once you think you’ve got it all.

That’s when the table flips
Slides.
Changes the barriers
And I start making mistakes

And you’ll lose-
Won’t realize
That you have to switch positions
And I’m tired of the action-
The same damn promises
Wrapped in your own insecurities
And panic.

Pick a different day.

I wish I were the type
That could write you
A love letter-
Give you something to believe in.

But I only have me
And I’m fond of jumping in-
Finding out I don’t like the water
And crawling out the window.

I’ve trained myself
Into self-sufficiency
And boredom.

I wish I needed more than me

But once that part has been sectioned off
It’s easy to forget
About people
About intimacy
About craving.

I’ve got surgeon’s hands
Skilled when it comes to blades
And blood
But among all this mess and talent-

I think I’ve finally found enough.

It’s been years
That we’ve been here.
On this moon with me
And yet you are still miles away.

Not your idea- more myne
More me wanting desperately
To fit into my life-
This one I painted-
These shoes I bought
That are three sizes too tight.

But all this time-
I’ve been in love with you.
Not just beginning
With the words and letters
It’s beyond that
And definitely out of the grasp of language.

All my lives have merged with you
And this one is no different
Even with this stubborn gurl’s mind
Determined to make a living
Over being in love.

What’s her story? The heart yells
And pants in love
Yet here I sit
Miles away
Dreaming of the moon
And carrying on- with lists
And jobs

Keep on keeping on

I’m so grateful we have the moon
All ours
And the gardens are something
I can never forget
For it’s haunting reaches me
Even during day-
Like the heart forgetting for a moment
To pump.
Life.
Is meaningless without it
And I wonder when I’ll let go of these shoes
To that realization.

We had our forever-
That magical season
In the snow globe.

I wonder if you remember
That one room-
All the anger it contained
Yours and myne.
I’m sure there were moments
Where I wanted to claw at you
And times
Where you didn’t recognize me.

Someone once told me
That love is blind
Because it has to be-
It has nothing to do with logic

You were that blind love.
Our snow globe castle
Eventually fell
Because of all the rain

But my sense were heightened
And I have never loved
Like I did
Within our bloodstream.

You were out of reach
And that step forward
Meant more than rings to me.
Meant more than obligations,
And I love the winter
Because of you.

And because of you
I believe in seeing
And keeping the option.

I walk forward now
With my eyes open
Willing myself to blink
When it’s all worth it.

This step is forever
And finally this is goodbye.
My heart’s frozen garden
Will always be yours.

I don’t mean to be that person-
That woman
Beyond labels of mistress-
I will long protest
The vagueness of that cloak
And have often found
More shame
In the hiding.

Time will change nothing-
Not a lingering regret
Or pause of mourning-

There’s laughter in
Forgetting-
There’s mourning in the dancing
Of lovers-

And none of it
Ever reaches me.
Like water
Or a sponge-
Or a well
That is safe from being run dry.

There’s promise
And hope
In the sins of man
Because they’ll always be committed again.

There’s a lie after that-
Before the promise.

I want to explain
Yet realize that with all the words
I still couldn’t reach much passed your belly.

And I’m tired of this run down trap-
The door I open
To find myself in torn whore’s clothes.
Again.

There’s not much surprise in this story-
The cake and Cinderella-
The laughter
And the way the clothes fall.

Grounded-
Only enough to catch the spark
And leave
Only to return the next day.

How is forever
Spelt for you?

I know your eyes
And the way your flesh
Overcomes me-
There was never any question-
The way my blood
Reached out for you.

I hesitate
But I want to say
You’re my forever- to me

And it’s all been written before-
Even as I say this
I know
That there’s nothing I could’ve done
To change it.

Part of me fights that-
Wanting life to be myne
But as I continue painting
The picture-
Its colors
Surprise me, in only the sense
That this has always felt right.

Like a fingerprint
And skin with no divide or seams

Yes there is more to me
But its you
And all blood and lies
Are foolish after that.

I have my options-
The doors I open and close on whim
And not much else.
It’s dramatic and effective
And periodically it’s predictable.
Always. Always I’m laughing.

There’s blood on the floor-
Chances are it’s myne
And the maid doesn’t come again
For three days-
I’m not worried about it.

I have my abilities-
The talents I’ve acquired
Through learning this society-
Our true spaces
And each secret self.

Chances are I’ll find yours
And part of me
Will really love you
But odds are
You won’t know all of me
And I’ll soon be found
Walking away from you.

Once I have you.

I may regret it
But I’ll move on just the same
There’s no forever
Spent with someone
Who only knew the lies and a forgotten
Name.

I wish I could say
That here I am
And this is my skin.
And it would all look plainly-
Right and perfect.

But I am not blind
And the mirror is too fond
Of displaying my faults-
The scars, the open wounds, the arms
I too freely fell into.

I tried to cover myself in them
And I won the games without trying.
It got easy to be whatever gurl
They dreamed of-
Turns out, I won pieces of them
Cuz years later I’m still picking
At my skin trying to get them out of me

Guess that’s the price
For free skin & a trapped heart.

I wish I could say
That you didn’t touch me
Through the years
That your entering
Never really entered me.

But I can’t deny
The ease we fall into step-
The walls that have never been built for you
The naturalness
In this love.
It’s you
And it’s over.

I do not say this blindly-
Life has twists of its own
And choice it will sentence us to

But the truth is here plainly
Dressed up as scars on my skin
And slits in my tongue.

Never ending
And the end
Forevermore.

There’s a moment
Where my heart whimpers-
Doesn’t cry.
And there’s a darkness-
A hurt
That I can’t paint a picture of.
Your agony
Fills my darkness
And the light of it
Is far too bright.
I can’t find my eyes.
Breathe in deeply
It doesn’t quite cut
But the blood seems to linger.
Will you finally believe
That this is love?
Or will your choice
Be to turn blind
And stumble in the light.

I wanted to be more
Than that-
Than this.
I wanted my absence
To be a lil more
Bittersweet
Lasting years
Instead of seconds
And I most definitely
Didn’t want her
To jump into the picture

I preferred her off the bridge
Than in your arms.

Guess we can’t always be the
Story writer-
The teller gets to play it up
And the shadows
Are where she’s cast me.

I’ll lurk
And behave
And mutter under my breath
Until the day I find the ink-

And the courage to tear your page.

I don’t know what it is
But I’ve heard about it-
Observed
And even marketed myself
For the position-

I didn’t get in.

Guess I was too far beyond
Expectations-
Or they just couldn’t
Pin me down.

I’m betting on the latter.

But what I’m saying is
That the choice didn’t matter-
The outcome
Was always going to be the same

Me falling-
Turning away
And you. All of them
Wanting more
But never able to find the words
Until years too late.

Tonight. I pause.
I’m still- which is still
Mastery of motion
But I’ll keep quiet.
I don’t want to bump my mind-
Startle it off its smile-
You.
Cliché and pathetic-
My soul giggles & panics like high school.
Don’t mistake this
For a sweet love sigh.
I haven’t fallen yet-
There’s more backbone to me
That that-
I’m not all flesh and guts-
True love will have to be
Like a disease
And enter me.

My memories
Will not cage me-
Restrain me from my own blood.
I’m not needed.
Not by you-
Not by this time-
I throw the stone-
Turn before I can see where it lands-
It matters not
And today there are
Tears in my eyes
And no beginning
To point my finger at.
Guess the excuses will follow
At a later date.

Right now there’s mending to do
While all the wounds are gone missing
Clean hands for supper-
There’s a change
And I smile

I can’t recognize my eyes
And I wonder if you’ll return-
When you do
Will you know how to find me?

I’ve taught myself well over the years
But I still couldn’t tell you
Where home is
And what it feels like for me.

She was stuck on the fact
That she believed in fairy tales-
Longed desperately for prince charming
But acted like that sister
Or cousin-
That was never mentioned.
She’s not exactly family rated-
Though all loved her-
And who couldn’t?

Even while she was fuking prince
Charming- there was this sense
Of wounding that she held within
Her smile that made you soft-
Made you love her-
This act surely wasn’t her-
And the pennies that rained
Couldn’t have been her doing.
She’s not malicious-
Too raw and gentle.

Your own eyes are deceiving you-
This is prince charming’s doing-
Or the world’s-
Just teaching you he’s not right.

Not right.
Her mission is accomplished-
Her soul fulfilled for a moment
A second and she’s actually been held.
Alone is how her story ends
But she doesn’t stop
Or pause-
Carrying on into heaven
And hiding all the stories
So that she’s free to commit more.

There’s a reason-
I’m sure-
Surely there’s an excuse
For my walking out-
For my returning-
For my driving home at 3am.

Normally-
This is all a lie-
I don’t dance like this-
Don’t beckon the shadows
To lust this passionately.

You turn your back to me-
Bite your lip
But I’ve caught you-
Felt your passion
Drain like your blood

And none has ruined your concentration-

I admire that

And somehow the light turns
Like this is actually affecting me
And I’ve changed color-

Found the gurl in me
And she needs.
Wants.
Curls into you
And the memory of your skin-
She smiles.

You and I
Started years ago. High school
Infatuation. Lovers that we’d never be able
To make. We proceeded to drift
And fade into on another’s lives.
One day you just shut that door-
I walked out. You kissed me.
You moved. I left.
Winter. Green and autumn again
Time and kisses-
You’re calling me once more.

And this time I’m swearing to myself-
Bidding myself to pay attention
Be present this time
And stay there.

Willing to be your ever after
But not so sure
I can keep you there
Alive. Wanting and needing,
I keep moving on.

I wish I could say
That I found you-
That I love you
But tonight you and I would both know
That it’s all a lie
Because tonight is not about
Questions or perspectives
Or even about whether or not
We both want to commit to this-
It’s a loss
Of perspective
And just a few moments
In another’s skin-
As you touch me
I’m not certain about anything-
Not even my name
Or if there’s any enjoyment in this

I can’t tell if you’re cold
Or unfeeling
Or if you’re falling in love

And afterward as we’re picking
Up our clothes
I feel this tug- this desire to be held.
Cuddling into you
And this sense of unknown
As if it would help me
Find myself- the self
That was so present moments ago-
The self
That lingered upon your skin
With no sense of words
And no need for explanation.

The fantasy of it all
Becoming real
And I, somehow, want it
To be more
Than the shadows
And casual goodnight.

You were that catch that I caught
After you entered my eye-
Confident speaker-
Well dressed
You never stood a chance.

That was almost a year ago
And since that first dinner
(lost in candle light
And conversation)
There’s been space
And distance driven into my heart
By a mind too practical for itself.

But moments stolen
Have caught me off guard
And my mind seems elsewhere
Leaving me to stand.
Tonight. In this dark.
In this confusion over distance
And beats of my heart.

You touched me
Beyond the reasons of man
And lust and love.
The dirty words
That we both could utter
But you directed me
And I fell into place.
Without any need or expectation-
You satisfied me.

So today I wake-
After a night of standing
Within no realization or fact
And a long night of driving-
I know it’s a long way back
And I wonder
It your arms would be waiting
More than your heart.

I’m not that gurl
I’m not that gurl
I’m not that gurl-
I repeat it like a mantra.
Like it’s a small thread
That will keep me away from that edge
Away from the beds
That created me that gurl
That I need not to be.
Or so I’m told.

Truth is,
I kind of admire her.
Her lack of ambition
And her ability to get there.
Swimming between layers of sheets
She never seemed to forget
Each lie- each story
So carefully told-
Committed to a part of her memory
That didn’t have to be fed
With sincerity.

Starving the rest of her
She was a star in the lives of others
Dancing
And always beginning
When their ends seemed so inevitable-
She loved but gave them nothing,
Being the stone-

I eventually stepped over myself.
Came back into the light,
Found that day didn’t hold anything for me.
But everyone expected it to,
And I was tired of letting them find disappointment.

I wish I could write to you-
Lay upon the page this bloody organ
That found a bit of delight-

I curb its enthusiasm
Because I know how much
It likes to believe in people’s potential
And doesn’t care about much else.

Only the dream
And the never ending of truly living.

I’ve always been too much a fan
Of stripping off my skin-
Gliding my charms into the sins of men-
Found,
I’ve never been.
So catch me now life- I dare you-
Find some reason for the bitter sugar
That’s covering my flesh-
Point your finger at my history
And try to stay coy-
I have not sentenced myself
To dance in shadows
Instead here it is- day
And I’m sitting across from you-
Smiling
Wondering just what it is
You’re wanting to say to me.

You can’t damage me-
After what the world has done-
What can man touch?
It’s the same scenario over again-
Recycled creativity-
Hell, these words are no more myne
Than yours.

But your eyes-
Your posture-
The hurt was just so evident
And it stepped upon me-
Made my chest heavy with realization-
It was I who threw that stone.

Or so you will remember it to be.
Blatant is the fact that it was you
Who struck the match
That made me drop the rock.
Either or.
This is not a lost love poem-
I know where myne has gone
And where it will stay retreated.

Organically,
I was able to grow into you.
I wound myself like a flower
That sat stone
Within your heart.

Soon all I’ll be is a small skull
Perched on your shoulder
And already you’ve taken steps to hide that-
Bury it within yourself
So that I am no longer
Tickling your ear with my tongue

Crawling into your mind-
Laying on the rug of your dreams
And falling asleep.
Wanting you more
Than I’ve ever wanted myself.

I’ve started it-
This before and after role reversal
But the parts are blurred
And looking in the mirror
I can see both of me.

Our conversations are lost on me
I find them within my skin
But the words don’t reach my stories
And I can’t complete that sentence-

There are pieces of me-
A bit of shell and a bright colored glass
Grains of sand. The memory of the
Ocean kissing my feet.
These are so surely in love with you.

Without the doubts
Of my history
And where my hands have been.

And these fragments- seemingly
Abstract and unimaginative,
Have taken up residence in my soul
Alert with worry
Knowing too well the concepts
Of life and these rituals
We’ve created.

They all serve their purpose-
Even with reason forgotten
We’re fond of boxes
Because with all the fluidity of interaction
We have to exercise our control.
And barriers keep us safe.

Keep us in our character.
And our roles are thus
Fulfilled.
Draining our souls
Of any piece of love
We may have originally truly felt.

The best days go forward
While you’re too busy
Wiping the snot
From the bottom of your sleeve-
Moments not forgotten
But bitterly fought over
During feuds
That only plant the seeds
Of divorce.

Even sitting here now
I can imagine dressing it all up
Just to turn my back on it.

I’m sorry- call me a cynic
But I never have loved you
And never will-

There’s just too much
Of this boredom within you-
I could call you names
And walk out
But I’m just not in that big of a rush.

I want to steal away-
All these lil negativities
Are pestering me-
Wanting more out of life
Than all these week old memories
I never seem to want to hold onto.

Can you believe me?
In youth so desperate for
A type of loneliness
Only regret could develop

And it eluded me,
Even after all these years-
Coyly turning the corner
As I entered the hall

And there never
Was a light at the end of that tunnel.

A mishap- the bending of time
Where again the same moment
Happens- by chance
Only this time, it is you
Looking at me and finding a piece
Of envy- and I have the confidence-

I would have thought
He took it all from me
And he did- I still have that memory-
I left the painting behind

Today I can see it
Glaring at me while I cried in bed-
I rearranged that room so often
Trying desperately to erase
All the reminders-

Eventually I left.
Too tired of how I took
Everything in love
So personal.

there's this spark
that i have taken.
made my own. found my home.
and inside this fire.
i stand. alone. within myself.
within hundreds. i know you.
know the way you bend and move
because i have lived it before. i see that
thought in your eyes. that fire
that you so desperately want to hide
and i find myself dancing for you.
becoming who you want me to be
all the while my mind screaming
that you are not who i want. you won't let me
be me. you don't understand
and don't even know that you can't comprehend
what i'm saying to you.
so tonight
when i open my wounds to you.
show you my forearms.
you don't ask. or beg. or even start to listen-
instead, you speak. you try advice
and you manipulate my words
into something you can relate to.
forget it.
this isn't a rush.
isn't a secret.
this is just me saying that i see you.
i see me and i'm tired of this all.
tired of the self that's sitting back and is aware of this.
aware that the footprints placed will lead somewhere.
and i'm exhausted. i'm torn apart
and the pieces are still there.
still here
and i'm just going to put myself together again.
alone
because you're just going to sit there
and think that you did something right tonight.
that you fixed my broken heart
and mended the sore that caused these tears to fall.

and now i'm left speechless.
having wanted you to understand.
to just listen to my spaces and the sighs between words.
i had thought that you would.
might be.

turn around.
i'm forgotten and weary
and not needing anymore of your light.
your love.

it only reaches the surface
and i want more.

-a.

Holes

There are holes in her skin-
within her soul- they've been self-inflicted
self-made and beaten into her by choices
she made and allowed- there have been many
treading upon this flesh- taking what they needed
and forgetting all the rest-
she's turned her back on all the times she made herself bleed-
the reasons
and trusts she used to swim in-
they're nothing now but past memories
slowly floating past graves
and in throughout the daisies she's never found
and planted- plucked their petals have been
but the answer always lays
empty- consuming more of her soul
than you would ever allow-
than you'd ever know- because there she is dreaming-
absorbing the pain
that won't ever go away.

-a.

Speak up

hey speak up- i can't hear you-
can't stop this daydream
when you're smiling at me that way- speak up
ruin my mind- cause me to doubt- to realize
logic and rationality- speak up- let me hear
how you think- what you believe- tell me about money-
act like poverty doesn't matter- that AIDS is everyone else's fault.
hey speak up boy- i don't like the way you make
my heart flutter- my mind fluster- that way when you
look at me- speak up- ruin the pedestal
my soul is standing you upon- speak up- speak up-
destroy the creation i've made.

-a.

Love you never made

believe in you- collect them all- these pieces
of my heart aren't very hard to find-
there's never more than a fragment and
a sliver of my mind.
go ahead and turn away- don't even worry
about stabbing the knife and turning-
i already know that pain and more won't
make it any worse. time is time
and distance will never fade- but go on believing
that this doesn't mean anything-
go on believing that you tried- there's nothing more
than empty promises
that you never said- and a love that you never really made.

-a.

Saying Goodbye

in the moment that the wine tastes too good-
i remember when the moments lasted
far too long- when there was no line
to separate my heart from my lust
and back again- in the moments of night
when the mountains linger in my mind-
in those quiet corners of my heart- i know you are there-
are here, sitting with me- gazing out-
reaching out- holding me.
i smile in these moments. small and few
but enough to let me know it's okay
that i'm not who i was to you- it's okay
that i've let loose my grip on the bottle- the passion
doesn't fade without the misuse of substances-
the passion doesn't end or die
just because you say goodbye.

-a.

Insignificant

empty- the way you left me- your voice
trailing and fallen- there's no more room
in this night for depression- for rest-
for a breath of air. nothing- so why do i pick up the phone?
why must i sentence myself
to a death
that i already know i've lived- passed through-
gained. your love was always like that- a paper shredder
for documents too small to consume your mind with-
too insignificant
for anything other
than a sigh.

-a.

Drowning

i hate how time has aged this way- no concept
of love and the bitter shadows of hate- how
moments separate us
and neither of us wants to make a sound- afraid to break-
afraid to let go and actually admit
vulnerability. silly how the dust has settled this way- ageing
and creeping forth
like the tombstone of past lovers- always born
and carried by each of our souls- i know better-
and yet i'm still sitting here- still drowning-
refusing to whisper- refusing to forget
the moments when in night nothing was forbidden0
and we found each other swimming
within one another- pure and astounding-
like truth would never wish to get wet-
never wish to drown within us.

-a.

To a Gurl named Days

to a gurl named days,
he vomits his love- protests his being-
his image in her name.
to a woman named days,
he leaves- vows to return never
and continues on his way- his path
of self-destruction
with a firm mind
of separation and motivation- the truer things in life-
the riches and practicalities.
to each of their spirits he spells out his name-
closes his eyes-
but never really lets go.

-a.

Missed

i don't remember the last words
you said to me- i just remember
feeling you walking away- me driving away
into the distance- far into the distances
that would separate us- that would hold us
from one another like no word like love existed-
no nights and clear mountains
every painted upon us.
i don't remember our goodbye or final kiss-
i just remember
waking up knowing what we missed.

-a.

Rolling Over

lingering is that moment- those few silent thoughts
floating over my skin- found in those seconds
between us that morning- any morning
as i reach out
and you rolled over.

that being that.

-a.

Running To A Stranger

When the glass is empty- i'm hungry for more-
thirst for more pain- more commitment-
more than i've ever given.
and you wonder why i run away-
there's nothing to be afraid of-
just boredom and a slowly rotting mind-
not much new
in a place full of strangers
that i've walked within for years-
silent and obnoxious to their tears- the feelings
they suppress- nothing can cure their seams- and falling ears-
nothing can take away their mess.

-a.

the lingering fragrance of her body-
the way she moved and lifted- softly pressed her spirit
up next to yours- her gentle kisses- fierce with passion-
that kind of love would melt ice- create snow- frost the windows-
and never come back home.
she'd never turn her back to you- always felt herself wrapped up in you-
offered you the flowering of her skin- the flesh that would blush
and rush to be held by you- touched- kissed- you left your prints behind-
your essence- and you spirit-
she lingered within you. on you. beside you.
in the night you'll lean over and want to cuddle her- need to feel her
within all absence- because with her you're not alone- without her,
she'll never be truly gone.
because it's her that's spun your life this way- colored your room
with the dreams in her head- her tears drowned the pain out of your life-
she'll never be truly gone- because in moments- in moments and eternity
she was all you would ever own-
and ever want.

-a.

Swallowing The Worm

that look in your eyes- i can feel it when i close myne.
i can feel your lips lingering on myne
in the nights when i'm alone- and i don't know how to explain-
how to begin- how to say your name without blushing-
without feeling like everyone already knows about this-
and we're the last to know.

i don't know how to say it but i already know you-
like my fingerprint that's so hard to read
but i know what it feels like- i know the softness
and the creation of it with pressure- i know you.

and yet i'm so timid of the idea. of the fingerprint
being left and open and offered up to the world- the world
that already is smiling and teasing.
silliness
is in the eye of the lover and i'm tired of pretending and protesting-
lets just open that door- swallow that worm-
the stomach acid will kill it for sure.

-a.

13 Hours

there's no magic like that-
a drunken phone call in the middle of the night
where he tells her he loves her
and her mind whispers, i told you so.
and that same conversation dragging on for hours-
and the heart
being so saturated that it drowns within itself
and drowns once again. over and over
filling its lungs with the blood of his love.
i told you. i told you. i told you so.

there's never anything more but his love
and a dark phone call
from 13 hours away.

-a.

A Real Reason

i would give you my heart-
let you rip it open
so that you understand how it bleeds-
bends- moves- breathes.
i haven't been very kind to it-
and it's used to the abuse- learning how to love
on its own-
it doesn't need wings- only a knife
and a real reason to cry.

-a.

All She Wants To Be

she doesn't know why she cries-
why she reaches out- why blood doesn't make her want to bleed
any longer- - -why have the pixies dropped their paintbrushes
and gone to play in the weeds?
there's nothing a true love can't fix- destroy- and grow again-
and she doesn't want any of it.

just wants to linger within your smile-
remember the way your hand felt- the way your arms around her
felt so right- comfortable- like every fairy tale
that put her to sleep at night.

the storyteller keeps asking about you- and somehow
it reaches her- touches her heart and leaves her in tears-
because for just a moment- lost in your love
is all she wants to be.

-a.

don't think you can cut me- kiss me- break me
and make me whole again- you don't hold that magic,
though i know you think so- others have let you keep that light-
let you understand them and their colors-
but don't squeeze too tight- i'm not like that-
have already walked away and left a trail of blood---of my own doing.
i didn't want to disappoint you so i did anyway-
may as well get the obvious out of the way and get on to loving you-
which i did. passionately. through the whispers of the night. and i'll never
let go of that-
never let go like a falling leaf- frail and victim to winter-
guess the season's changed again- there's no more warmth in this inn-
no music left in the cabin- and silence
was never a good pretender for someone who has no will to dance.
let it rain.
you won't drown me- you can try- but i'll just end up wet and gone out
of the game days earlier- into moments and shadows
that you'll question and wonder if you ever had.

-a.

go ahead and try and paralyse me- break me in two
and expect me to stay with you- hold me up-
watch my head-

i'm only holding my breath
so i don't vomit all over you.

the stench of rotting love is covered in you-
and the roses got up and left days ago-
with no reason or excuse
but they were fed up with you.

lies are vows too-
ones that are kept harder-
and paid to fall in bed with lovers---

i could never bend like that for you.

-a.

Love.

i wonder if you think of me now-
years later
and the safe choices made-

do you remember the love we whispered into the night?
the coffee we made in the morning
and how our smiles
were contagious.

i wonder if you think of me now-
while you wake up beside her-
kiss her-
do you remember how you hated sleep
because you wanted to be alive in every moment?

do you think of her while smelling her hair-
while she's dressing up for you-
do remember how i waited for you-
how our love was so noticeable
and full of lies to everyone.

how none of that mattered- because really, there was just us.
us and that was close enough. no words beyond that-
nothing more i could say to you
except love.
because it actually was frustrating enough to be that.

-a.

there was nothing i could say to you
that would make you stay and leave here-
stay with me.
there was nothing i could say-
but there you were- with me- so in love
that the passion burnt you-
burned you and you had to have more-
had to feel more-
just once last kiss before you left me to be with her-
her- the one thing that was safe to you-
she felt like home-
while i was a fire to you- while i was the reason for life for you-
you were too unsteady
to want a love like that-
that could end
and end your life.

-a.

what would you do if my beauty
turned not beautiful to you?
if the only lingering conscience that you have-
the only thread of your heart
that you found in me- disappeared-
you wouldn't still be here. wouldn't be staring-
wouldn't be confessing your undying love to me.

fool. i'll soon enough burn it to the ground-
this shell that encages me- this appearance
that the glass turns a light to- casts a smile upon-
time will drag it away-
in it's claws- in its teeth- dripping with blood-
what will you do then?
what will you do when the flower petals that you cherish-
rot- decay- fall away- and get swept down the stream of mud?

surely, you'll disappear. go ahead and deny it-
try to find your footing with other possibilities- other fragments
of beauty that you find within me-
ha. you're as plastic and transparent than most of them-
i could never give you enough- this flesh was not meant to bend
for you- and in those positions i would never lie- i'd get too bored
and find something more poison to consume
than your lines.

-a.

One Night

in slow realization, i notice that the wine
doesn't take it all away- and drinking of others' blood
doesn't calm the way this lust is set-
i'll still fall into the night- demand more
than he's ever going to give me.
no line between love and death and life and hate-
that's the real way- the passion that entangles you
and leaves all the clothes on the floor-
get lost within my skin- that's what i beg of you-
know me by knowing my body-
feel the way it bends and moves
and pressing up against you- calls out-
and falls for you- hold it close and notice where all the others
have left their mark- be better than that-
i dare you because i know you can hold up to the challenge-
may want to vomit- but nothing's going to change-
i'll still be here- offering up all my veins- lusts-
and mistakes- there are a lot-
and you can't consume me- become me- enter in-
in just one night.

-a.

This Moment

with everything she's hoped for- planned for-
accomplished and gained-
she finally comes up for air-
stops drowning her soul in the dark waters
of her spirit-
gills don't come easily to lungs
sentenced to a prison unspent- unspun-
and uncared for.
she never felt that way- she knew he loved her-
knew that the scars upon her arms
were her own fault- her own sense of freedom-
she always had this will about her-
the fire of her being was so strong- consumed most of her
before she learnt how to reign it-
how to create magic
and lessons that won't be forgotten-
she forgets a lot- doesn't know where she's been-
has images burnt through her- she has some idea
of the horrors she's painted- the hearts she used and mistreated-
those ideas don't end.
she still has the nightmares- the rape that never happened-
she doesn't know whether or not to believe herself.
but doesn't have the strength to deal with her past- her soul anymore.
it doesn't matter where she's landed. dragged her feet-
left her claw marks- at least she fought the whole way-
wouldn't take depression down with her- wouldn't be caught
in the deeds- the positions that she had to complete.
they've never won her heart they way her spirit has.
and that's all she's done. that's all she's been through- nothing
except this moment- this shard of glass
that's stuck right through her.
she's here- and she's alright-
it's just kinda sad that the story doesn't end that way-
with her in love
and her better within herself-

she still has no idea- is wading within her own blood
trying to make some sense of it all- asking questions
she'll never get answer for.

-a.

Coming Back For More

tears falling- she doesn't know where to begin-
where to look for a good grasp on reality-
the world is drowning within itself- believing in its strength
and colors
and the ideals that love is better than life itself-
go ahead and keep pleasuring yourself that way-
think that loneliness is enough to lie-
to lie with another
when your love is keeping your bed warm- filling your house
with everything you could never need-
go walk to the whore-
she knows what the realness is about-
and no matter how the world spits on her- forgets about her-
paints her dirty and gray-
she has the true strength- the true smile
because it will keep coming back to her.

-a.

Endlessly

a love like that- imagined- dreamed-
painted upon---
it's only to hide the scars.

the places where shells and flesh have tried to hang on-
dance out the pain-
become everything that it's supposed to be---
true love like that.

it's only separation is the fine shadow
between hate- and that's where the fun comes in-
where the mud is bound to get in between your toes-
i can't wait until you're frustrated with me-
when you can't stand the essence of me
and are left smiling-
because really? what else is there to say?
love is me and like that-

you'd don't ever want to let go- because you know.
you know that i'm the same way- sewn to you by these shadows-
that the mornings when you're grumpy
and ready to pour paint over my spirit-
that lapse in judgement and communication--
that's what is keeping me from ripping apart these seams.
that's what keeps me here and falling madly--endlessly in love with you.

-a.

Within Her Heart

with the seeds already planted like that-
you can't begin to understand
what she's living for-
the roots falling burned by the sun-
the mystery and logic- both on the run-
and no one there to hold her hand-
she's stuck playing in the mud
and giving up her dreams-
time doesn't trade its cards that way-
doesn't wish to deal with rapes and misery, instead-
feeds upon her tears
and washes the shores- pieces of sands
that will be forever her footprints-
because her soul? her soul
will never live that journey- won't make it past 11-
not with that kinda future
already planted within her heart.

-a.

Suicide

careful to smudge her fingerprints-
she walks out-
and shuts the door.
not wanting to arouses the mrs.
not wanting to alarm
the dead body-
she got all she needed- why waste her feelings
when they've all gone running into the night?
the light of day is the only thing
that keeps her this way-
keeps her aware of the differences- the bends in spirit
that she can mimic at night-
when the timing is never right- but always fairly altered by her-
no practice needed-
suicide was never something you needed to be good at to complete.

-a.

Found

quietly she knows that angels only fly
because someone believes in them-
and quietly she falls- the floors are damp
and the room, filled with blood-
this is a game she's not going to win.
not today- not when she signed her heart away-
played poker with the vixens
that lured her to love and the belief in it-
she was foolish to not realize
that love is a layers kind of thing- and beauty is always
the first to fail
in the race against time- (time being the beggarman
who can win your heart so easily.)
maybe next time- she'll put up more of a fight
and find out that she was never more alone than within the night-
the moments of lust
and the actions of a hunter found panting
on the doorstep.

-a.

Started the Game

this is the first time she's ever thought before that-
thought before she let him
tear off her clothes- force her down-
force himself within her- this is the first time she's had time to think-
was allowed thought-
usually the devil in her mind is too interested in the lie-
too interested in the covering up
of her past- her mistakes- the rape-
she always thought than just one more would make it better-
would make it easier to forget- wash away all her sins-
maybe if she had control in this one situation- just once more-
than she could believe it wasn't her fault-
it wasn't her that started the game.

-a.

Same

balances broken and weighed-
he reaches out and it begins again-
the moments-
the insecurities- everything she vomited
and categorized-
he brings them back-
stands them in front of her-
demands to know which ones are art
and which she really wanted to throw away----
she just turns her back-
if he really knew her-
he would know that they're all the same.

-a.

the darkness is back-
the shadows
that make room for the light.
step closer-

do you see it?
or are you too busy wondering
if your underwear matches?

i really don't care.
brush your hair- be pretty-
smile- laugh- nod
be all that you need to be.

i don't hate you for it.
i've played that game too many times.
and won.
passed go
and kept running.

i didn't like where i found myself.
didn't like the ending with sunshine
and roses
and that dream of a white picket fence-

i still long for you baby.

but i'm not ready to crack open my chest
and surgically remove my heart---with skill---
and keep living
believing i didn't give anything up.

because life without the constant
regurgitation of my blood,
isn't worth the living-
even if there is a diamond in the end.

-a

staring into the mirror.
she plucks.
pinches.
creates.

wants to be wonderful.
dares to conform.
be that dream.
be that beauty.
and loves every second of it.

until she wakes up
to the truth-
the the ugly world of it.

of it all.
the compliments.
the excuses

the way the clothes fall
and lie.
and begin.
dripping with sweat
and lies.
and manipulation.

all the games she's been playing.
she can do it with her eyes closed-
door open-
on the street.

and she's bored.
so she walks out-
naked.
stripped of that life
and continues on.

doesn't know where she's going
but determined to get there.

-a.

i wonder - now-
if things could have been different,

if i had made different choices
would i still be the same?
stubborn to no end
and never knowing the way?

i find it easier to stumble in the dark
than to search for the light switch
earth
winter
and the fiery deaths that i've endured.

don't feel sorry for me.
i just wonder if i've finally made it.

finally made it to that space.
that spot that i so ferociously planned to reach.

laughter rings through the forests
and i look up-
not knowing if that's the past
or me
shaking my head at all this mess.
at all of me.

-a.

that mirror
deceives me.

creates me a person who's skin
isn't myne.

i can't tell if you think my eyes are glass

or if you can truly see. i'll pluck them
from my skull- i would
if i thought you'd be open to the idea.

i'm tired of this light. this drama.
this overrated society
that tells me that high heels
accentuate my ass.

look at me laughing and running away.
i can't pretend to be that glass.
that mirror that you've dreamt of.
i'm too busy loving- flowing-
feeding my veins with the lust
that you've somehow sown in me.

i love you without the blood and safety measures-
always hoping for more.

-a.

i'm so tired of the game.
the he said she said bullshyt
that everyone seems drawn to-
that love is made of.

i don't want to think of you
in those terms-
the love of my life-
desperate clinging,
wanting. needing.
forgetting myself.

forgetting that my skin
doesn't need anything from you
to regenerate.

i keep losing perspective
in the lust- the passion of it.

so here i am. sitting, watching you.
here i am offering you-
me.
shadows. bends. curves.
mistakes and stupidity at times.
i'm no where near perfect
and don't want to try that.

please taste me. tease me.
get to know me
and open your body to me.
i'm doing the same
and as long as it's still warm-
the night will last long.

-a.

there's more to life.
i didn't ever imagine that-
instead, spent my life painting-
dreaming.
dressing my hair with stars
and their light.
i couldn't find myne-
always had a tendency to burn out-
crash-
and fall away into the darkness of rats and men.
too old
and much too in love
for what my blood thirsted for.

you never knew this part of me.
always thought that i was just being difficult.
just to spite you i suppose?
show you what you gave your life up for.

you never could realize that you didn't have
to stop living.
shouldn't have sentenced yourself to that.
no one else did it for you.

all you
and now we're the ones to pay.

so sit back and point fingers.
think the shyt hit the fan
and covered you-

do you realize it's yours?
my fan's been broken for years
and i've stopped dreaming.
stopped painting the pictures of love and sex.

i'm just me
and i'm broken in places
that i haven't discovered yet-
i just hope i can find the tools
to do the fixing.

i know i can't help you anymore.
i refuse to perpetuate the cycle.
so i leave you with this small
fallen, faded star.
i hope it leads you out of the darkness-

or at least opens your eyes
to the possibility of light.

-a.

there comes a time
when you just have to stop.
or at least, i had to stop.
didn't end up crossing that road
but it felt good
to have it as an option.

you walked into my life
and i was left spinning.
had my heart beating
beyond expectations.

i remember that first kiss.
that first time.
the way my body reaches for you.
longs for you
and how it just feels right.
cliche.
but this isn't your typical love poem.

because i'm not in love with you.
know that i love you
but there's a difference.
a line.
a concept just not yet grasped.
i'm still bleeding and hurt a lil,
and i know you've been cut up.

but i'm not in any hurry.
i've never been able to sit still
but i'm just saying
that i'm willing to clip my wings-

just a lil bit.

-a.

i don't have to be that gurl.
that dream
that one where everything comes true
and all that the sun touches
turns gold.
my life isn't gold. isn't sunshine and roses.
i have too many thorns for that
i've slept with far too many guys
to even pretend to be a virgin-
to be bad in bed.
after a while, you learn what men love
and you keep that rhythm
even though it does nothing for yourself.

i've done nothing for myself.
have turned myself inside out
and sewn my skin back into place-
i was me that plucked it and chucked it
out that window.
i had to get out somehow
and i did
but what i got into- i don't know

it's a world that i've painted
and there isn't any shade of gray.
you're right- i deserve better
and i want more
but i'm not waiting around to look for it.

am too determined
to slit these wrists
and be my own woman.
fuk the expectations of marriage
and a picket fence-
2.5 kids.
there's a woman crying within me
and it's about time
i stop putting my foot in my mouth
and actually walk out that door
and away from all this meaningless sex
that's only good for the moment
and then worthless once it's over.

-a.

it's okay if i'm not her
if i'm more me
than i really want.
more than anyone really desires.
life continues on.
it sucks, but the world doesn't end.
drama is overrated
and even though the blond
and beauty looks like it's the answer
it's really only the beginning
and the question is one you're taught
to ignore-
to not ask-
because the truth is
no one has control
and the white lines
only add to the spin.
you think you're on top
but the position switches
and without your consent
you realize
you've pledged your life-
your soul

for a couple lousy nights
of glitz
and lukewarm sex.

-a.

i used to think i could
save myself-
fix myself.
go through the steps.
therapy. divorce.
moving on. separating from the soul.

but there comes a time
when the it just doesn't matter
if the world's still turning-
your spirit isn't tied to it.
instead, is hiding. cowering under the stairs
and it's comfortable there.

comfortable and dusty.
years will pass
and i wonder if you'll ever have the courage to dig
it out. wash it off
and put it back into the world.

like blowing the lil stars off the
globe of a dandelion.

destructive,
i've been told. weeds that overtake lawns
and the beautiful green grass
but how can you be smiling
with all that perfection?
i'd rather be in bare feet
and dancing across
a field of yellow suns

that don't have to say that they love me
because i already know
and there's room enough
for that within myself.

-a.

it took me forever to figure out what to wear-
clothes that i tried on- landed on my floor
my bed- littered
until finally i gave up.
Today, the day, i re-present myself
to the world- to the strangers around me
none of which knew-
i had just spent a day in hiding
crawling back into my flesh-
trying to make sense of all the bruises
that had appeared from the night before.

You- also a stranger- reached in
and reformed my skin- if only temporarily.

i spent the day half in slumber-
my body mourning the changes
it would have to disguise- today.
so masked and beautiful
i step outside. wondering
how this practice became so seamless
And wondering why i still care.
Surely, i should want to know your name
want to pine and long for your voice-
your touch just once more- again
i just keep on. This road was built
for efficiency and i've grown fond
of nothing the day could hold.

so here, i lift up my afternoon coffee
to you & your fingerprints left on my back.
Should you laugh and not linger,
find your way to a stranger
who lost himself in a dream
that's become me.

-a.

i've been foolish. made choices
laid in beds that i knew wouldn't fit me.
There have been decisions
that linger on my flesh closer than death-
the taste being sweeter.
And i have thrown myself continuously
into the rivers of men
who would never love me-
i never wanted them to.
but somehow, after dragging myself to the shore
they found my presence
and decided to follow it like a ghost-
drying themselves up and creating
life hollow and unfulfilling.
Repeatedly, i resign and stay in my dreams
believing that there should be more-
i just haven't bothered looking,
knowing that all my days end the same way.

-a.

silence.
i hold my breath-
notice-
breathe again
smile
and feel the love
reaching all of me
staying with my breath-
i do not lose myself-
my blood
is still my own
and does not budge
nor becomes overcome with the urge
to jump.
it stays passionate
within my veins-
smiling and dancing
in breathe in
and rain starts-
kissing
every moment of my skin
my spirit smiles
and keeps breathing
as if suicide
has never been an option
and spring flowers
bloom in the ice
of depression.

i center myself once again
breathe
relax
and remember.
the folding of my body
wraps the world
within my palm
and quietens the cruelty-
the history
that i may have once spun.

young
and foolish
knowing no other way-
not knowing
that the pollution
came from air
around me.
hiking up
the frozen mountain
within myself
i found
i couldn't get away
from me
and the act of separation
only brought more tears
and confusion.
no one ever stopped me
along the way
and i guess
it really was for the best.
As i breathe
i remember
breath
and struggle
and the dark coal
that became my life
Now,
that darkness shines
in breath
and life
and the absence
of mirrors-
hidden tortures
that kept me here-
i'm now
walking down that mountain
and singing in praise
of all
the little flowers.
-a.

i've struggled. with the boxes
and all the circles i've wanted to push in-
too stubborn to reform myself
into laughters and shades of blond.
remorse would weigh my soul
to a depth of depression that the ocean
would chill and comfort.
That perspective- somewhat attracting me
like the night butterfly to lights
that will eventually sentence the life-
attractive and yet a choice
that i'm certain would lead me
back to years previous-
fruitless but full of intensity
that's lacking right now.

Still, the choice is not myne to make-
not present to me
in this land of free will-
i roll my eyes
knowing that i do not know
what my life looks like.
But last friday
you touched a part of me
that hasn't been touched for years

and i am content
with just that
knowing that my life
has a splash of yellow
and that it never would have had
the heart to choose any other way.

-a.

With expression of woman-
clean, simple, alive, vibrant,
i make my way outside.
too much hiding isn't good for anyone-
even a poet.

i am no longer sentenced
to insanity and dependence.

Reality? i just don't need you.
i do need more than myself.
but there's a way to do it- organically.
without the constant push,
aggressive want and over-consumption.

it's a lot more polite-
maybe that's why you've never noticed
never considered it an option.

honestly, i knew you were too much a fan
of space invaders
and never would be truly satisfied
until you had complete reign
of my body (uterus included).

i'm glad i never crossed that line
no matter how anti-feminist
that seems.

the sun smiles down on me now-
it's a blessing- a curse-
and a sigh-
a moment i've been given
and i'm finally grateful for all that's eaten away at my heart.

-a.

i wish i could write to you
and say- there's more than this,
but there really isn't.
all you have is you
and if you're that unhappy-
your life will paint that way,
there's nothing i can do
to reach in and help you out of that.

i spent new years in emerg
watching an artist change gender-

nothing much catches me off guard anymore.

so your conversation
was almost, expected.
the beautiful night
and the way you just over poured-
i already knew all the facts-
it's your decision
whether or not to close that door.

-a.

and now my problem is-
that i love you- have felt those moments-
and last night opened up to you so tenderly
in a way i'm not used to peeling my skin.
And you held me.
rocked me gently-
i felt whole beside you-
felt waves of passion rock through me-
my body is full with you
and today my skin feels different-
the light is softer
or maybe, i'm less afraid.

Because yes, i fell for you-
instantly- and that moment is still cherished
and a bit clouded by the months
to follow that-
but there's still a physicality that has
just become me
and i'm feeling your pulse
seconds before the tide comes to take you
for good this time-

what parting words do you spend
when you know the ending is done?

-a.

i write to say goodbye to you
but my words won't come-
i don't know what i want out of my life-
what it should look like-
the colors- the dreams
i never expected any of it to materialize
and then here it is-
the love i planned and wanted,
the multitude of careers-
the ways the rain clings
softly. slowly- i know i must leave you
your skeleton isn't quite dead yet
and keeps coming out of the closet-
it keeps your hands full
and your heart busy.
i know your eyes still look for me
and your flesh misses myne.
but life is tough enough,
i don't need to be bringing
doubt. insecurity. and unrequited love
into it

not that you didn't return my love-
you placed it nicely between ribbons
and sighed into my soul-
imprinting yourself and your undeniable want.

want isn't always enough.
neither is love
that's why this goodbye
doesn't make sense
and yet, it's the natural next footprint.

i love you
and always will.

knowing time, like the waves
will continually wash it away.

-a.

Do you not get it?
this is it-
i am me.

And yes, you can turn away-
try and force me out-
paint upon yourself lies & misattractions

that's all play
and i've been involved
for too many years
to be swayed.

Bring it on-
this isn't a game-
no childish fantasy.
i'm ugly when i'm jealous-
i get insecure
and i'm too fond of lace & heels.
There's nothing i haven't been-
tried to fit in
and chances are. i'll try once more.

so drop your lame excuses
and for once-
let go of your head

if it falls off
you can always pick it up again.
-a.