You’re right-
I don’t know you.
Don’t know what makes you bend-
Makes you move.
I don’t know,
Only have the pieces
You’ve let me see.

Silly, to be ready to give it all
To you.
To a stranger with ideals
A stranger with theories

I could love you
But the road
Has disappeared
And I’m no longer lying.
No longer laying in your bed.
I’ve become bored
And have wandered off
I doubt you’ll have noticed by now.

One sentence
And you catch me-
Come crawling up against the body
And I wonder.
Could I possibly
Hold this hand
And not thirst for the blood-
Could I taste this kiss
Without that whiplash of longing
For another.
The snake like flesh-
Once eaten is hard to be rid of.
And I find myself
Clinging
To what I know best-
Catching and turning
Over in bed.

I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to lie to you
I haven’t always been
This angel with wings
This pillar of strength and discipline
I have fallen
And only stood up to get a better view.

Now that I’m no longer perfect
In your eyes-
Which steps of myne
Would you like to see erased-
Would you rather I took back?
I laugh.
You say you want it all-
Nothing held- no closed doors
And yet as soon as the blood pours
You start vomiting your self-righteousness
All over the carpet.
You cling to your mortality
And it’s pathetic.

Your eyes staring at me
Like I’m the freak
That decided to be human
And live with my past-
With my mistakes held like scars
Upon my forearms.
Yah, I’ve been there.
Get over it.
At least I made the choice to be real.
To feel my demons
And even let them control me.
Yes that was a knife
And that is an empty pill bottle.
I could care less.
It didn’t work. I’m still h ere
And at this moment
I find you staring at me.
Honestly, I thought your soul was stronger than that-
Than coffee in the morning
That doesn’t quite wake you up.

There’s a battle
I’ve been fighting
Against myself
With periodic interruptions
From that soul mate of myne.
He never seems to stay for very long
And every other visit
He appears different.
Once even showing up in heels.

I can rearrange myself now
For you or him
Or the future.

But it all is rather pathetic.
Predictable
How I jump in and fall in love
And every next corner
Is always covered in sin.

So how do I escape these chains?
When I know
That I don’t know me
Without them.

Suicide? Or a choice to be born again?
Both the same
Depends on where you’ve been born
And which lies you’ve been fed with.

There’s been enough lies
Told by my lips
And even more
By various regions of my body.
I don’t think
You want to know them all.
And I doubt
There’s enough time
To build you back.

Years later, I just don’t have the energy
There’s not enough incentive
And I don’t imagine
You’ll give me the rush
That I need to live on.

Not that the newness
Is an addiction
But you’d think
In the beginning
There’d be some surprises
Maybe a lil excitement
And the urge to want more.

You.
I’ve had one day
And I’m already full up.

You can look at me.

Figure out laughter
And love

And even come close
To knowing me

But you’ll get lazy
And stop
Once you think you’ve got it all.

That’s when the table flips
Slides.
Changes the barriers
And I start making mistakes

And you’ll lose-
Won’t realize
That you have to switch positions
And I’m tired of the action-
The same damn promises
Wrapped in your own insecurities
And panic.

Pick a different day.

I wish I were the type
That could write you
A love letter-
Give you something to believe in.

But I only have me
And I’m fond of jumping in-
Finding out I don’t like the water
And crawling out the window.

I’ve trained myself
Into self-sufficiency
And boredom.

I wish I needed more than me

But once that part has been sectioned off
It’s easy to forget
About people
About intimacy
About craving.

I’ve got surgeon’s hands
Skilled when it comes to blades
And blood
But among all this mess and talent-

I think I’ve finally found enough.

It’s been years
That we’ve been here.
On this moon with me
And yet you are still miles away.

Not your idea- more myne
More me wanting desperately
To fit into my life-
This one I painted-
These shoes I bought
That are three sizes too tight.

But all this time-
I’ve been in love with you.
Not just beginning
With the words and letters
It’s beyond that
And definitely out of the grasp of language.

All my lives have merged with you
And this one is no different
Even with this stubborn gurl’s mind
Determined to make a living
Over being in love.

What’s her story? The heart yells
And pants in love
Yet here I sit
Miles away
Dreaming of the moon
And carrying on- with lists
And jobs

Keep on keeping on

I’m so grateful we have the moon
All ours
And the gardens are something
I can never forget
For it’s haunting reaches me
Even during day-
Like the heart forgetting for a moment
To pump.
Life.
Is meaningless without it
And I wonder when I’ll let go of these shoes
To that realization.

We had our forever-
That magical season
In the snow globe.

I wonder if you remember
That one room-
All the anger it contained
Yours and myne.
I’m sure there were moments
Where I wanted to claw at you
And times
Where you didn’t recognize me.

Someone once told me
That love is blind
Because it has to be-
It has nothing to do with logic

You were that blind love.
Our snow globe castle
Eventually fell
Because of all the rain

But my sense were heightened
And I have never loved
Like I did
Within our bloodstream.

You were out of reach
And that step forward
Meant more than rings to me.
Meant more than obligations,
And I love the winter
Because of you.

And because of you
I believe in seeing
And keeping the option.

I walk forward now
With my eyes open
Willing myself to blink
When it’s all worth it.

This step is forever
And finally this is goodbye.
My heart’s frozen garden
Will always be yours.

I don’t mean to be that person-
That woman
Beyond labels of mistress-
I will long protest
The vagueness of that cloak
And have often found
More shame
In the hiding.

Time will change nothing-
Not a lingering regret
Or pause of mourning-

There’s laughter in
Forgetting-
There’s mourning in the dancing
Of lovers-

And none of it
Ever reaches me.
Like water
Or a sponge-
Or a well
That is safe from being run dry.

There’s promise
And hope
In the sins of man
Because they’ll always be committed again.

There’s a lie after that-
Before the promise.

I want to explain
Yet realize that with all the words
I still couldn’t reach much passed your belly.

And I’m tired of this run down trap-
The door I open
To find myself in torn whore’s clothes.
Again.

There’s not much surprise in this story-
The cake and Cinderella-
The laughter
And the way the clothes fall.

Grounded-
Only enough to catch the spark
And leave
Only to return the next day.