Holes

There are holes in her skin-
within her soul- they've been self-inflicted
self-made and beaten into her by choices
she made and allowed- there have been many
treading upon this flesh- taking what they needed
and forgetting all the rest-
she's turned her back on all the times she made herself bleed-
the reasons
and trusts she used to swim in-
they're nothing now but past memories
slowly floating past graves
and in throughout the daisies she's never found
and planted- plucked their petals have been
but the answer always lays
empty- consuming more of her soul
than you would ever allow-
than you'd ever know- because there she is dreaming-
absorbing the pain
that won't ever go away.

-a.

Speak up

hey speak up- i can't hear you-
can't stop this daydream
when you're smiling at me that way- speak up
ruin my mind- cause me to doubt- to realize
logic and rationality- speak up- let me hear
how you think- what you believe- tell me about money-
act like poverty doesn't matter- that AIDS is everyone else's fault.
hey speak up boy- i don't like the way you make
my heart flutter- my mind fluster- that way when you
look at me- speak up- ruin the pedestal
my soul is standing you upon- speak up- speak up-
destroy the creation i've made.

-a.

Love you never made

believe in you- collect them all- these pieces
of my heart aren't very hard to find-
there's never more than a fragment and
a sliver of my mind.
go ahead and turn away- don't even worry
about stabbing the knife and turning-
i already know that pain and more won't
make it any worse. time is time
and distance will never fade- but go on believing
that this doesn't mean anything-
go on believing that you tried- there's nothing more
than empty promises
that you never said- and a love that you never really made.

-a.

Saying Goodbye

in the moment that the wine tastes too good-
i remember when the moments lasted
far too long- when there was no line
to separate my heart from my lust
and back again- in the moments of night
when the mountains linger in my mind-
in those quiet corners of my heart- i know you are there-
are here, sitting with me- gazing out-
reaching out- holding me.
i smile in these moments. small and few
but enough to let me know it's okay
that i'm not who i was to you- it's okay
that i've let loose my grip on the bottle- the passion
doesn't fade without the misuse of substances-
the passion doesn't end or die
just because you say goodbye.

-a.

Insignificant

empty- the way you left me- your voice
trailing and fallen- there's no more room
in this night for depression- for rest-
for a breath of air. nothing- so why do i pick up the phone?
why must i sentence myself
to a death
that i already know i've lived- passed through-
gained. your love was always like that- a paper shredder
for documents too small to consume your mind with-
too insignificant
for anything other
than a sigh.

-a.

Drowning

i hate how time has aged this way- no concept
of love and the bitter shadows of hate- how
moments separate us
and neither of us wants to make a sound- afraid to break-
afraid to let go and actually admit
vulnerability. silly how the dust has settled this way- ageing
and creeping forth
like the tombstone of past lovers- always born
and carried by each of our souls- i know better-
and yet i'm still sitting here- still drowning-
refusing to whisper- refusing to forget
the moments when in night nothing was forbidden0
and we found each other swimming
within one another- pure and astounding-
like truth would never wish to get wet-
never wish to drown within us.

-a.

To a Gurl named Days

to a gurl named days,
he vomits his love- protests his being-
his image in her name.
to a woman named days,
he leaves- vows to return never
and continues on his way- his path
of self-destruction
with a firm mind
of separation and motivation- the truer things in life-
the riches and practicalities.
to each of their spirits he spells out his name-
closes his eyes-
but never really lets go.

-a.