controlled.
predictable.
excitement
and you are nothing i expected
but all that i dreamt.
did you meet me there
or was saturday your first glance?

there should be protocol for this
a lil guidance-
direction.
instead of the free falling that's
been reaching my heart.
my heart
which days earlier.
moments before
was beyond climbing
the wall too high
and i have a fear of heights

you didn't even pause-
listened
but then pushed on.

and i trusted you.

wednesday afternoon
whatever it'll lead to
will be forever remembered by mind
and beyond skin.

-a.

there's an excitement
a pause of anticipation
beginnings started
where no beginning should have been
but then- i have never been good at rules
so this is all pretty predictable
except for the day-
the sun. heat.
the nervous terror
that pulsated through my body.
you told me jump
and i refused
but maybe you aren't good at obeying
'cause you made me.
falling in such control
slowly towards you.
safe. and scary.
desire burning deep
and i realize the wall
has been torn
heart still somewhat hidden
but beating. alive. wanting.
awake.
i'm smiling
which isn't strange
but the dreams of expected snow
are a bit startling.
wondering if that stone will be thrown-
wondering if this scar
will disappear.

-a.

you're almost forbidden to me
but not in any sense of fruit
i know i could entice you
have previously
and still am interested
but i don't need to confuse you.
single celled organism
one functioning brain.
a fear of commitment
is part of the game.
i play it well
and yet don't view you as an opponent
maybe you were the start
although the gurl in me
hopes you're the end
but i will take you
as just a stopping point
i'll never hold my breath that long.
have learnt that lesson
memorized where the hurt fits
and the limit of bend.
i can please in most positions-
making you believe i'm on my knees
before you realize
i'm already out that door.

-a.

the first word with you-
in the beginning and such
i cannot remember
but i feel the smile
and how my body reacted
bending with your whisper
and rising with your breath.
i fell for you
because that's what
i think a lady's to do
but i bit back
and that surprised you.

i remember mornings after
and the hangover of
what i thought was love
and you considered to be a good lay.

i learnt
after meeting you-
the control i had
even when you held all my cards.
my body and mask of innocence
are too much baiting
and far too seductive
to be anything but scandalous.

the hot summer nights
that sweetened into winter.
we still held excuses to not care
and yet continue.

a mild addiction
that would never say no
and never wish to be silenced into day.

-a.

the dream
is too vivid-
i've painted it too well over the years.
there's no heaven
that will lay that way.
turning-
i beg. plead.
compromise
and return
calling out to you
in night
tangled in sweat. sheets. longing.
you are the missing piece
and yet you'll never leave.
the absence of you
lingering forever on my skin
like a finger print.

-a.

i've never been a fan of fragile
the pause
and motion forward
with the air of manipulation-
you'd never suspect me
but be constantly considering the option.
there's this shadow to me-
moment of mystery
even though
i've left all my cards on the table.
the game is
always a game-
even with these words-
even with
everything i've never wanted.
i'll still play forward
and win
only to get up and walk away.

-a.

deserted blue mug
half full of coffee
not missing any love
just enjoying the sun
on its perch
the day goes by slowly
time not measured out evenly
giving the chance to dream.

a moment to pause
reflect. begin.
the realization of dead moments
is not a reassuring one
but life rarely gives you
the chance
to stop and recollect.

so there's this.
a thursday morning
faded into friday afternoon
and i'm reminded
that your absence
will be forever embedded in me.

-a.

there's more
than routine
and day-to-day.
you say you love the small things
but never pause
to appreciate them-
you're more rush in
to meet my blood
and slip out
before you get wet.
And i do love the intensity-
the heat
but there's no preparation for fire
and the spark dies
quicker than the flame.

-a.

another cup of coffee-
i'm drinking
as if i'll find the answer
somewhere buried within the caffeine.
the only thing i'm accomplishing
is a foggier shade of reality
an overindulgent perspective
where you never left me
in this kitchen. in this light.
alone.
i still have bailey.
and my suitcase
leans against the door frame.
sad reminders of youth
and a love
unspent.
i was far too careful
with matters of the heart
that i forgot about the body
and the needs of humanity.

this loss
will forever remind me of that.

-a.

i'm sick
the morning makes it hard
for me to breathe
there is absence
and there is you.
life tends to get in the way.
my way,
because i let it.
these shoes society bought me
don't fit
but i try daily anyway-
finding
that my toes would rather
the feeling of sand.
dirt. grass.
the image of toes rings
and funky colors in the sun.
i feel you smiling
and it embraces me.
damn this world
and my idiotic mind!
telling me not to let go,
challenging me to prove my own.

this business suit may fit
but these give me blisters.
my hand that reaches out
has fingers
that dream of lingering on your body
writing a love story
upon your soul.

-a.

you don't understand
a life like that-
plucked. pruned-
manicured into existence-
the beginning may have been messy
but the ending
is well executed.
i learnt like that
split second thought
and whim decisions
no chance to cry
once the heart leaves
and passion remains.

there's an absence.
i can feel the distance-
more cruel than usual.
i drop a stone
into the well of our being,
of our love
and i hear no echo.
no sound.
no splash.
i'm still waiting.
maybe for confirmation
maybe for a small sound of hope.
my heart waits
with anxious ears
while my mind continues on
with real life.
i've always been good
at moving on
but today
i find myself forced to pause
to take in breath
as i consider
the possibility
that i never considered.

our love slain
and finding only me standing-
alive
but stuck on the memories
of a blue suitcase, bailey
and all the love
you poured over me

-a.

i want more.
than this.
than you're able to give.
there's something pathetic
the way my heart drools in fantasies
and despises real life.

i want more.
the earth is plastic-
this lie that fabricated our meeting-
i demand more of my skin
more than its able-
it hasn't cried out yet
but i don't expect it to.
it was always good at pretending-
at bending and rushing
and forgetting.

i've erased you
like a bad dream
and the sad river of my mind
doesn't mourn you
like it's supposed to.

i've given up
bargaining with cruel ironies-
they always pull the rug
and leave you wondering
when the maid last arrived to clean.

-a.

there's this emptiness
that you filled me with-
the deserted corridors
of your soul
and the smell of disinfectant-
nothing warm
nothing more than the minimum.
lack of funding
i would assume would be your excuse
but i know life better than that-
and you're gray.
desolate-
you've abandoned yourself
and instead, push yourself into others
in an attempt of love.
of passion
that you'll always drop
once it actually heats up.

-a.

there's a gurl
i always wished to be-
the happy one-
without scars
and sleeplessness.
it was all self-inflicted
but i didn't know how to stop.
reflections are all backwards,
that's why you thought
you knew me inside out.

and i just wanted to say
there's no shame in that-
we all see what we want
and often cut ourselves out
of what we need-

that sandy beach
was always my memory
and i could never want you enough
your stone offering
was never more heavy
and unsatisfying
as you spoke
of all you knew.

and none of it reached past
this skin-
my organs even
rejecting
the love you had.

-a.

artificial light-
the day
begs for forgiveness-
the tears have wandered off
and i wonder
how i'll ever leave you.
you cursed me with disease
that holds strong to my flesh-
inflicting this
within moments of our meeting
and have shown little remorse
or fallen regret.
in the shadows
i'll have to find.
there's no longer any room for lies
stories spun.
still with all that fear of truth.
i can't convince myself
to love you.

which words will you wish
when you know
there's never been love-
just the artificial company
of a lover
who wants to be forever
separated from you.

-a.

there's a stillness
of leaves-
the whispers of my disloyal mind
are quiet.
stolen by the moment
and the breath
of energy.
yours-
and i wonder if you know
your presence.
how it holds deeply
into my soul-
uncommitted
and never needing to be more.

hollow, this body-
i have nothing to offer you
but a bed never to be made
and a smile
that loves
beyond words.

-a.

you make me jumpy
after you leave.
like the caffeine of your presence
just finally sets in
before i realize what's happened.
there's an affect of energy
that exudes
from your eyes.

but i only feel trapped
when you walk away

as if my soul imagines
that the travelling of the world
wouldn't ever undiscover
the love
to be made with you.

-a.

i will never be
that book-
the fairy tale-
the witch-
that piece of life
i've always dreamed of.
and there's a sense of happiness
to follow the realization.

i've spent years
trying on those heels
and bending- pleasing-
creating a certain image
that always follows the frog.

turns out- it was me
always me
and i'm forced to retract
my statement-
no more lying.
stealing.
because that soul is myne
and that happy ending
is a waste of time.

-a.

i've forced myself to stop
and in this pausing
i've found myself lacking meaning
as i stand motionless.

there is no reality-
finances and crashing and conversation
nothing holding me to the edge.
here i can talk and breathe.

even if there's still no meaning
to any of it.

-a.

i've spent my life trying-
completing- moving from one project
to the next-
they were usually men
and that thought
doesn't stop me
from beginning again.

the whore has her weaknesses
she just doesn't broadcast them.

i wonder if she knows
who she is
without their flesh
covering her-
without their thoughts of defeat
and negativity.

this morning
i don't.
i don't have an answer for it- for anything
but i'm enjoying the way the coffee glides
and mixes in with these thoughts of poison.

-a.