How is forever
Spelt for you?

I know your eyes
And the way your flesh
Overcomes me-
There was never any question-
The way my blood
Reached out for you.

I hesitate
But I want to say
You’re my forever- to me

And it’s all been written before-
Even as I say this
I know
That there’s nothing I could’ve done
To change it.

Part of me fights that-
Wanting life to be myne
But as I continue painting
The picture-
Its colors
Surprise me, in only the sense
That this has always felt right.

Like a fingerprint
And skin with no divide or seams

Yes there is more to me
But its you
And all blood and lies
Are foolish after that.

I have my options-
The doors I open and close on whim
And not much else.
It’s dramatic and effective
And periodically it’s predictable.
Always. Always I’m laughing.

There’s blood on the floor-
Chances are it’s myne
And the maid doesn’t come again
For three days-
I’m not worried about it.

I have my abilities-
The talents I’ve acquired
Through learning this society-
Our true spaces
And each secret self.

Chances are I’ll find yours
And part of me
Will really love you
But odds are
You won’t know all of me
And I’ll soon be found
Walking away from you.

Once I have you.

I may regret it
But I’ll move on just the same
There’s no forever
Spent with someone
Who only knew the lies and a forgotten
Name.

I wish I could say
That here I am
And this is my skin.
And it would all look plainly-
Right and perfect.

But I am not blind
And the mirror is too fond
Of displaying my faults-
The scars, the open wounds, the arms
I too freely fell into.

I tried to cover myself in them
And I won the games without trying.
It got easy to be whatever gurl
They dreamed of-
Turns out, I won pieces of them
Cuz years later I’m still picking
At my skin trying to get them out of me

Guess that’s the price
For free skin & a trapped heart.

I wish I could say
That you didn’t touch me
Through the years
That your entering
Never really entered me.

But I can’t deny
The ease we fall into step-
The walls that have never been built for you
The naturalness
In this love.
It’s you
And it’s over.

I do not say this blindly-
Life has twists of its own
And choice it will sentence us to

But the truth is here plainly
Dressed up as scars on my skin
And slits in my tongue.

Never ending
And the end
Forevermore.

There’s a moment
Where my heart whimpers-
Doesn’t cry.
And there’s a darkness-
A hurt
That I can’t paint a picture of.
Your agony
Fills my darkness
And the light of it
Is far too bright.
I can’t find my eyes.
Breathe in deeply
It doesn’t quite cut
But the blood seems to linger.
Will you finally believe
That this is love?
Or will your choice
Be to turn blind
And stumble in the light.

I wanted to be more
Than that-
Than this.
I wanted my absence
To be a lil more
Bittersweet
Lasting years
Instead of seconds
And I most definitely
Didn’t want her
To jump into the picture

I preferred her off the bridge
Than in your arms.

Guess we can’t always be the
Story writer-
The teller gets to play it up
And the shadows
Are where she’s cast me.

I’ll lurk
And behave
And mutter under my breath
Until the day I find the ink-

And the courage to tear your page.

I don’t know what it is
But I’ve heard about it-
Observed
And even marketed myself
For the position-

I didn’t get in.

Guess I was too far beyond
Expectations-
Or they just couldn’t
Pin me down.

I’m betting on the latter.

But what I’m saying is
That the choice didn’t matter-
The outcome
Was always going to be the same

Me falling-
Turning away
And you. All of them
Wanting more
But never able to find the words
Until years too late.

Tonight. I pause.
I’m still- which is still
Mastery of motion
But I’ll keep quiet.
I don’t want to bump my mind-
Startle it off its smile-
You.
Cliché and pathetic-
My soul giggles & panics like high school.
Don’t mistake this
For a sweet love sigh.
I haven’t fallen yet-
There’s more backbone to me
That that-
I’m not all flesh and guts-
True love will have to be
Like a disease
And enter me.

My memories
Will not cage me-
Restrain me from my own blood.
I’m not needed.
Not by you-
Not by this time-
I throw the stone-
Turn before I can see where it lands-
It matters not
And today there are
Tears in my eyes
And no beginning
To point my finger at.
Guess the excuses will follow
At a later date.

Right now there’s mending to do
While all the wounds are gone missing
Clean hands for supper-
There’s a change
And I smile

I can’t recognize my eyes
And I wonder if you’ll return-
When you do
Will you know how to find me?

I’ve taught myself well over the years
But I still couldn’t tell you
Where home is
And what it feels like for me.

She was stuck on the fact
That she believed in fairy tales-
Longed desperately for prince charming
But acted like that sister
Or cousin-
That was never mentioned.
She’s not exactly family rated-
Though all loved her-
And who couldn’t?

Even while she was fuking prince
Charming- there was this sense
Of wounding that she held within
Her smile that made you soft-
Made you love her-
This act surely wasn’t her-
And the pennies that rained
Couldn’t have been her doing.
She’s not malicious-
Too raw and gentle.

Your own eyes are deceiving you-
This is prince charming’s doing-
Or the world’s-
Just teaching you he’s not right.

Not right.
Her mission is accomplished-
Her soul fulfilled for a moment
A second and she’s actually been held.
Alone is how her story ends
But she doesn’t stop
Or pause-
Carrying on into heaven
And hiding all the stories
So that she’s free to commit more.

There’s a reason-
I’m sure-
Surely there’s an excuse
For my walking out-
For my returning-
For my driving home at 3am.

Normally-
This is all a lie-
I don’t dance like this-
Don’t beckon the shadows
To lust this passionately.

You turn your back to me-
Bite your lip
But I’ve caught you-
Felt your passion
Drain like your blood

And none has ruined your concentration-

I admire that

And somehow the light turns
Like this is actually affecting me
And I’ve changed color-

Found the gurl in me
And she needs.
Wants.
Curls into you
And the memory of your skin-
She smiles.

You and I
Started years ago. High school
Infatuation. Lovers that we’d never be able
To make. We proceeded to drift
And fade into on another’s lives.
One day you just shut that door-
I walked out. You kissed me.
You moved. I left.
Winter. Green and autumn again
Time and kisses-
You’re calling me once more.

And this time I’m swearing to myself-
Bidding myself to pay attention
Be present this time
And stay there.

Willing to be your ever after
But not so sure
I can keep you there
Alive. Wanting and needing,
I keep moving on.

I wish I could say
That I found you-
That I love you
But tonight you and I would both know
That it’s all a lie
Because tonight is not about
Questions or perspectives
Or even about whether or not
We both want to commit to this-
It’s a loss
Of perspective
And just a few moments
In another’s skin-
As you touch me
I’m not certain about anything-
Not even my name
Or if there’s any enjoyment in this

I can’t tell if you’re cold
Or unfeeling
Or if you’re falling in love

And afterward as we’re picking
Up our clothes
I feel this tug- this desire to be held.
Cuddling into you
And this sense of unknown
As if it would help me
Find myself- the self
That was so present moments ago-
The self
That lingered upon your skin
With no sense of words
And no need for explanation.

The fantasy of it all
Becoming real
And I, somehow, want it
To be more
Than the shadows
And casual goodnight.

You were that catch that I caught
After you entered my eye-
Confident speaker-
Well dressed
You never stood a chance.

That was almost a year ago
And since that first dinner
(lost in candle light
And conversation)
There’s been space
And distance driven into my heart
By a mind too practical for itself.

But moments stolen
Have caught me off guard
And my mind seems elsewhere
Leaving me to stand.
Tonight. In this dark.
In this confusion over distance
And beats of my heart.

You touched me
Beyond the reasons of man
And lust and love.
The dirty words
That we both could utter
But you directed me
And I fell into place.
Without any need or expectation-
You satisfied me.

So today I wake-
After a night of standing
Within no realization or fact
And a long night of driving-
I know it’s a long way back
And I wonder
It your arms would be waiting
More than your heart.

I’m not that gurl
I’m not that gurl
I’m not that gurl-
I repeat it like a mantra.
Like it’s a small thread
That will keep me away from that edge
Away from the beds
That created me that gurl
That I need not to be.
Or so I’m told.

Truth is,
I kind of admire her.
Her lack of ambition
And her ability to get there.
Swimming between layers of sheets
She never seemed to forget
Each lie- each story
So carefully told-
Committed to a part of her memory
That didn’t have to be fed
With sincerity.

Starving the rest of her
She was a star in the lives of others
Dancing
And always beginning
When their ends seemed so inevitable-
She loved but gave them nothing,
Being the stone-

I eventually stepped over myself.
Came back into the light,
Found that day didn’t hold anything for me.
But everyone expected it to,
And I was tired of letting them find disappointment.

I wish I could write to you-
Lay upon the page this bloody organ
That found a bit of delight-

I curb its enthusiasm
Because I know how much
It likes to believe in people’s potential
And doesn’t care about much else.

Only the dream
And the never ending of truly living.

I’ve always been too much a fan
Of stripping off my skin-
Gliding my charms into the sins of men-
Found,
I’ve never been.
So catch me now life- I dare you-
Find some reason for the bitter sugar
That’s covering my flesh-
Point your finger at my history
And try to stay coy-
I have not sentenced myself
To dance in shadows
Instead here it is- day
And I’m sitting across from you-
Smiling
Wondering just what it is
You’re wanting to say to me.

You can’t damage me-
After what the world has done-
What can man touch?
It’s the same scenario over again-
Recycled creativity-
Hell, these words are no more myne
Than yours.

But your eyes-
Your posture-
The hurt was just so evident
And it stepped upon me-
Made my chest heavy with realization-
It was I who threw that stone.

Or so you will remember it to be.
Blatant is the fact that it was you
Who struck the match
That made me drop the rock.
Either or.
This is not a lost love poem-
I know where myne has gone
And where it will stay retreated.

Organically,
I was able to grow into you.
I wound myself like a flower
That sat stone
Within your heart.

Soon all I’ll be is a small skull
Perched on your shoulder
And already you’ve taken steps to hide that-
Bury it within yourself
So that I am no longer
Tickling your ear with my tongue

Crawling into your mind-
Laying on the rug of your dreams
And falling asleep.
Wanting you more
Than I’ve ever wanted myself.

I’ve started it-
This before and after role reversal
But the parts are blurred
And looking in the mirror
I can see both of me.

Our conversations are lost on me
I find them within my skin
But the words don’t reach my stories
And I can’t complete that sentence-

There are pieces of me-
A bit of shell and a bright colored glass
Grains of sand. The memory of the
Ocean kissing my feet.
These are so surely in love with you.

Without the doubts
Of my history
And where my hands have been.

And these fragments- seemingly
Abstract and unimaginative,
Have taken up residence in my soul
Alert with worry
Knowing too well the concepts
Of life and these rituals
We’ve created.

They all serve their purpose-
Even with reason forgotten
We’re fond of boxes
Because with all the fluidity of interaction
We have to exercise our control.
And barriers keep us safe.

Keep us in our character.
And our roles are thus
Fulfilled.
Draining our souls
Of any piece of love
We may have originally truly felt.

The best days go forward
While you’re too busy
Wiping the snot
From the bottom of your sleeve-
Moments not forgotten
But bitterly fought over
During feuds
That only plant the seeds
Of divorce.

Even sitting here now
I can imagine dressing it all up
Just to turn my back on it.

I’m sorry- call me a cynic
But I never have loved you
And never will-

There’s just too much
Of this boredom within you-
I could call you names
And walk out
But I’m just not in that big of a rush.

I want to steal away-
All these lil negativities
Are pestering me-
Wanting more out of life
Than all these week old memories
I never seem to want to hold onto.

Can you believe me?
In youth so desperate for
A type of loneliness
Only regret could develop

And it eluded me,
Even after all these years-
Coyly turning the corner
As I entered the hall

And there never
Was a light at the end of that tunnel.

A mishap- the bending of time
Where again the same moment
Happens- by chance
Only this time, it is you
Looking at me and finding a piece
Of envy- and I have the confidence-

I would have thought
He took it all from me
And he did- I still have that memory-
I left the painting behind

Today I can see it
Glaring at me while I cried in bed-
I rearranged that room so often
Trying desperately to erase
All the reminders-

Eventually I left.
Too tired of how I took
Everything in love
So personal.

there's this spark
that i have taken.
made my own. found my home.
and inside this fire.
i stand. alone. within myself.
within hundreds. i know you.
know the way you bend and move
because i have lived it before. i see that
thought in your eyes. that fire
that you so desperately want to hide
and i find myself dancing for you.
becoming who you want me to be
all the while my mind screaming
that you are not who i want. you won't let me
be me. you don't understand
and don't even know that you can't comprehend
what i'm saying to you.
so tonight
when i open my wounds to you.
show you my forearms.
you don't ask. or beg. or even start to listen-
instead, you speak. you try advice
and you manipulate my words
into something you can relate to.
forget it.
this isn't a rush.
isn't a secret.
this is just me saying that i see you.
i see me and i'm tired of this all.
tired of the self that's sitting back and is aware of this.
aware that the footprints placed will lead somewhere.
and i'm exhausted. i'm torn apart
and the pieces are still there.
still here
and i'm just going to put myself together again.
alone
because you're just going to sit there
and think that you did something right tonight.
that you fixed my broken heart
and mended the sore that caused these tears to fall.

and now i'm left speechless.
having wanted you to understand.
to just listen to my spaces and the sighs between words.
i had thought that you would.
might be.

turn around.
i'm forgotten and weary
and not needing anymore of your light.
your love.

it only reaches the surface
and i want more.

-a.