the darkness is back-
the shadows
that make room for the light.
step closer-

do you see it?
or are you too busy wondering
if your underwear matches?

i really don't care.
brush your hair- be pretty-
smile- laugh- nod
be all that you need to be.

i don't hate you for it.
i've played that game too many times.
and won.
passed go
and kept running.

i didn't like where i found myself.
didn't like the ending with sunshine
and roses
and that dream of a white picket fence-

i still long for you baby.

but i'm not ready to crack open my chest
and surgically remove my heart---with skill---
and keep living
believing i didn't give anything up.

because life without the constant
regurgitation of my blood,
isn't worth the living-
even if there is a diamond in the end.

-a