i don't have to be that gurl.
that dream
that one where everything comes true
and all that the sun touches
turns gold.
my life isn't gold. isn't sunshine and roses.
i have too many thorns for that
i've slept with far too many guys
to even pretend to be a virgin-
to be bad in bed.
after a while, you learn what men love
and you keep that rhythm
even though it does nothing for yourself.

i've done nothing for myself.
have turned myself inside out
and sewn my skin back into place-
i was me that plucked it and chucked it
out that window.
i had to get out somehow
and i did
but what i got into- i don't know

it's a world that i've painted
and there isn't any shade of gray.
you're right- i deserve better
and i want more
but i'm not waiting around to look for it.

am too determined
to slit these wrists
and be my own woman.
fuk the expectations of marriage
and a picket fence-
2.5 kids.
there's a woman crying within me
and it's about time
i stop putting my foot in my mouth
and actually walk out that door
and away from all this meaningless sex
that's only good for the moment
and then worthless once it's over.

-a.